We had a hiccup in our parish bulletin on Sunday. It read Sexuagesima Sunday II. That should be Sexagesima. The Latin word for six is sex, and 60 is sexaginta. Sexagesimal, also known as base 60 or sexagenary, is a numeral system with sixty as its base. It originated with the ancient Sumerians in the 3rd millennium BC, was passed down to the ancient Babylonians, and is still used—in a modified form—for measuring time, angles, and geographic coordinates. An analog clock has three hands. The short hand indicates the hour, the long hand indicates the minute of the current hour, and the thinnest hand indicates the second of the current minute. I have one in the house that runs on a battery in case there is a blackout. Because of digitalization, young students today struggle with this concept.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from NYC.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.” Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. CHILI # 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 - LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I tooted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. CHILI # 6 - VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 -- No report. Thank you, Carol T., for sending to me. Wordsmith strikes again. Prepare for the F word. Out of my parents' home I went at age 25 upon dad's insistence. Otherwise, I'd still be buying toys. Deutsche Bank wants to wipe out whole industries (cattle, sheep, pigs, chickens, and turkeys), more evidence the elite want to starve us. I hope the bank crashes.
I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door in a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.” Then we had fun. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met him at his office, and I was wearing a raincoat, and under it only the black bra, heels, and a mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word and started to tremble. Then we had fun. I had to share my story: When my husband came home, I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me, he said, “What’s for dinner, Zorro?” I met a Catholic woman the other day and when I told her I belong to a Latin Mass parish, she said, “Oh, so you found your niche.” As she walked away, if I had had a bow and arrow, I could’ve sprung a pointy one in the direction of her asset. P. Francis said he doesn't like funeral faces.
Meeting Jeeves, the undertaker, I mean, valet, for the first time. My brother made me drink a raw egg one time, but he wasn’t Jeeves. I share the name of the boy scout who, with the help of P. G. Wodehouse, tries to betray the main man. Father Br*** showed me this Novus Ordo (New Order) Beavis & Butthead skit. The scriptwriter surprised us because he must have read or scanned the encyclical. Together we choked on laughter over the laity exaggeration.
Kat Timpf, Fox News commentator, said that she feels more comfortable in a room full of conservatives than leftists.
Dear Kat, I appreciate the compliment. However, you must know the truth. Before I tell you, please listen to the funeral oration from Pericles once more. You feel more comfortable because we like looking at you, you graduated magna cum laude in English from a normal college, and, for the most part, we are not interested in silencing you, imprisoning you, or killing you. The pope has wasted the power and glory of Rome. As Father Mawdsley said, it will take three generations to regain our losses. From where I sit, I see a fair number of Catholics who live in the land of make-believe. The president has wasted the power and glory of the USA. It will take some time, who knows how long, to regain our losses. From where I sit, I see a fair number of people who live in the land of make-believe. What word begins with an e and ends with an e and has one letter? envelope
I thought I would take advantage of a joke to fix the booboos we make. Incorrect: If worse comes to worse… Correct: If worse comes to worst… Incorrect: Do a 360. Correct: Do a 180. Incorrect: pawn off Correct: palm off Incorrect: Hone in. Correct: Home in. Also, the abbreviation we frequently use, e.g., derives from Latin, exempli gratia. Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Parliament Hill.
One is from Montreal, another is from Toronto, and the third is from Vancouver. All three go with a Parliament official to examine the fence. The Vancouver contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $9,000. That’s $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.” The Toronto contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $7,000. That’s $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.” The Montreal contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the Parliament official and whispers, “$27,000.” The official, incredulous, says: “You didn’t even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Montreal contractor whispers back: “$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Toronto to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that is how the Government Stimulus plan works. Three boxes keep us free: - The soap box, - The ballot box, and - The jury box. |
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