Category: Comedy - ROBERT E DUNN

sums

12/9/2023

A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” she asked.
“Yes.”
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she said, “What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four.”

emotional responses

12/8/2023

Getty graphic. I don’t live by everything that comes out of the Catholic mouth. Emotional responses include joy, surprise, contempt, sadness, fear, disgust, and anger. While I don’t want to live by emotions, they have produced great art, music, and literature. Mother Angelica, who had a great sense of humor and was the only reason to watch EWTN, demoted emotions. I don’t live by everything that comes out of the Catholic mouth.

When Illinois Senator Stephen Douglas called Abraham Lincoln “two-faced” in a debate, Lincoln replied, “If I had another face, do you think I’d wear this one?”

take a hike

12/1/2023

If you missed National Take a Hike Day Nov 17, tell your dog to TAH. Spot will obey.

39° 50' 00" N 98° 35' 00" W

11/25/2023

Geographic center of the United States, north of Lebanon, KS (excluding Alaska and Hawaii, which grew us) Let’s converge in Kansas if invaded by sea. We can all fit. On the way there, think of The Wizard of Oz, and call out, “Dorothy, Dorothy Gale!”

rucking

11/17/2023

Rucking is a form of exercise with roots in military training. Very simply, it’s walking a set distance while carrying a weight in a backpack. Rucking (also known as ruck marching) comes from the words “ruck sack,” which is a durable backpack meant for carrying equipment. Okay…um, simple walking or hiking seems to be plenty of exercise, especially on the day after Thanksgiving, to work off all that thankful tension.

harris salad

11/17/2023

pluck yew

11/13/2023

Well, now...here’s something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow, and, therefore, they would be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as ‘plucking the yew’ (or ‘pluck yew’).

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset, and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, “See, we can still pluck yew!”

Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative, F, and born were the words so often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute.

Also, it is due to the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as ‘giving the bird’.

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing. Didn’t yew?

Thank you, Mel Figoni, SI ’59, USF ’63. His dad owned Figoni Hardware in North Beach, SF.

noah's log table

11/13/2023

In the beginning, at the time of the great flood, Noah went through his ark after it landed, and found two small snakes huddled in a corner. Noah looked at these poor specimens and said, “I told you to go forth and multiply – why haven’t you?”

The poor snakes looked up at Noah and replied, “We can’t, because we are adders.”

Noah looked a bit perplexed, and then proceeded to tear bits of planking from his ark. He went on to build a beautiful wooden platform. He gathered up the snakes and placed them on the platform, and joyfully told the snakes, “Now go forth and multiply, because even adders can multiply on a log table.”

D. Scott MacKenzie, PhD, Metallurgist Specializing in Heat Treatment and Quenching

Courtesy of the sliderullemuseum.com

snowman

11/11/2023

The Snow Man

It snowed last night.

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 – So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 – The same sex couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 – The transgender man…woman…person…asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not to be used for decorating snow figures.

8:28 – I was called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:30 – I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.

8:37 – I was accused of using blackface on the snowman…snowperson.

8:39 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.

8:40 – The police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up, and I was asked if I knew the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? I replied “Snowballs” and now I am labeled a sexist.

9:00 – I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 – I was asked if I had any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 – Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding that I be arrested.

9:45 – The boss called and said I was fired because of the negative publicity splattered across social media.

10:00 – I cried into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman…

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes….

Thank you, Carol.

Bidénciális

10/28/2023

At least Trump isn’t suffering from Bidénciális episodicális dementiális parálys.

TEXAS LAWMAN

10/14/2023

A young Texas kid grew up wanting to be a lawman.
He grew up big, 6’4”, strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang, and he could put a bullet thru a bottle cap at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far, your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an “Attitude Suitability Test” that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don’t let anyone carry our badge, son.”
Then, sliding a .40 Caliber Sig Sauer P-229 service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot one cartel member, one lawyer, one fentanyl dealer, one Muslim extremist, one pig-lib democrat bastard, no, wait … make that two, and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.
“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”

emily's list

10/3/2023

Does Laphonza Butler live in California? Nope. She lives in Silver Spring, Maryland. She moved there in 2021 to work at Emily's List. It is an organization dedicated to electing Democratic pro-choice women to office.

Newsom's office says she intends to re-register in California to vote there before her swearing-in, which suggests she has voted in Maryland for the past two years. She was born in Mississippi and claims a wife. So, he can't find a native?

cusack

9/22/2023

John “Democrats are bought and paid forevermore” Cusack played Poe in 2012.

internal dialog

9/13/2023

Of a musician or me at home when I am mad at the whole world and have to nap.

new time signature: the 21st letter of the Greek alphabet, phi, lower case φ, over 14

g-20

9/9/2023

What does the abbreviation represent? 20 Ghouls. As of 2023, there are 21 members in the group: Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Canada, China, France, Germany, India, Italy, Indonesia, South Korea, Japan, Mexico, Russia, Saudi Arabia, South Africa, Turkey, the United Kingdom, the United States, the European Union, and the African Union (55 members). Understand now? The only missing piece is the Vatican.

priest at your house

9/9/2023

um, actually, all three are
Generally, formation lasts for seven years not counting university.

oil leases

9/9/2023

Biden cancelled seven oil leases in Alaska. Okay, now make him walk.

pelosi statuette

9/8/2023

How many more years for the 965-year-old woman? If you knew what she was when she started, who, from where? “I clocked that Baltimore crime boss, but I got hooked by his daughter’s flimflam.” “Yeah, I think she should have stayed in the kitchen and cooked pasta.”

$2,900 purse

9/8/2023

Terrible American racism placed a $2,900 black Bottega Veneta handbag on Michelle Obama’s arm while she toured Spain this week. She sells purses on Amazon, too. Get yours today! “I don’t mind if you have money like that to spend on a purse. Buy 10 of them. Just don’t tell me you are a victim of anything when in fact you are a termagant.”

warren & aoc

9/7/2023

term limits

9/6/2023

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Herald-Citizen in Cookeville, TN, and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellas, I have some bad news. The mule died last night.”
Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then, just give us our money back.”
The farmer said, “Sorry, can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
They said, “OK, then, just bring us the dead mule.”
The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”
Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”
Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody ee’s dead!”
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the IGA grocery store and asked, “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”
Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two bucks apiece and made a profit of $1,998.00 bucks.”
The farmer said, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”
Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset cause the mule was dead. So, we gave him his two bucks back.”
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They’re overseeing the Vote Count, Bailout, and Stimulus Programs.
Elect U.S. politicians to Two Terms: One in office! One in prison!

trump sanford & son

8/26/2023

glands - klans

throne of glass

8/24/2023

My throne of glass is a martini: vodka or gin, Dry Vermouth, olive with pimento. James Bond said it should be shaken, not stirred. Shaking the liquor with ice blunts any sweetness and creates an extremely icy, somewhat cloudy, and very dry martini. Drink wisely.

trump's absence from the stage

8/20/2023

“Tallulah Bankhead … late in her career … was dissed by some pushy ingenue. ‘I could upstage you dahling,’ Tallulah said, ‘without even being on stage.’

“She did, too, by the simple expedient of precariously balancing a champagne glass half-on-half-off a table when she made her exit. The ingenue came on for her big scene, but all eyes were glued to the glass: would it or would it not fall off the table?

“No one knew that she had put sticky tape on the bottom of the glass.”

Roger Kimball, American Greatness, August 20, 2023

yellen

8/18/2023

Treasury Secretary Yellen ate magic mushrooms on a recent trip to China. She was testing them. She had hoped to import and distribute the shrooms to major American supermarket chains and make a magical bundle of money. They had no effect. The golden scheme has ended, and glittering generalities have ended, too. Biden issued her a yellow blankie.