I make plenty with my students. They don't care. Once at a swim meet, the only time my parents attended, I felt funny on the first lap (just two laps), and on the return lap, my muscles froze, and, yeah, last place. Was it because Mom and Dad were watching? We make mistakes in the sacristy, and last Sunday an altar boy made one on the altar. In the vestibule, we started laughing.
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1. All condoms guarantee nothing: a dude was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband. 2. All politicians ought to wear uniforms, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors. 3. All office holders need serve only two terms - one in office and one in prison for their dark deeds. Whenever I have a dream, I am between those ages. My sister who taught school for 50 years said, “That is the power of the nursery,” and the reason we prefer their company and the truth of youth.
I mix a good deal with the Millionaires. I like them. I like their faces. I like the way they live. I like the things they eat. The more we mix together the better I like the things we mix.
Especially I like the way they dress, their grey check trousers, their white check waist-coats, their heavy gold chains, and the signet-rings that they sign their cheques with. My! they look nice. Get six or seven of them sitting together in the club and it's a treat to see them. And if they get the least dust on them, men come and brush it off. Yes, and are glad to. I'd like to take some of the dust off them myself. Even more than what they eat I like their intellectual grasp. It is wonderful. Just watch them read. They simply read all the time. Go into the club at any hour and you'll see three or four of them at it. And the things they can read! You'd think that a man who'd been driving hard in the office from eleven o'clock until three, with only an hour and a half for lunch, would be too fagged. Not a bit. These men can sit down after office hours and read the Sketch and the Police Gazette and the Pink Un, and understand the jokes just as well as I can. What I love to do is to walk up and down among them and catch the little scraps of conversation. The other day I heard one lean forward and say, "Well, I offered him a million and a half and said I wouldn't give a cent more, he could either take it or leave it--" I just longed to break in and say, "What! what! a million and a half! Oh! say that again! Offer it to me, to either take it or leave it. Do try me once: I know I can: or here, make it a plain million and let's call it done." Not that these men are careless over money. No, sir. Don't think it. Of course they don't take much account of big money, a hundred thousand dollars at a shot or anything of that sort. But little money. You've no idea till you know them how anxious they get about a cent, or half a cent, or less. Why, two of them came into the club the other night just frantic with delight: they said wheat had risen and they'd cleaned up four cents each in less than half an hour. They bought a dinner for sixteen on the strength of it. I don't understand it. I've often made twice as much as that writing for the papers and never felt like boasting about it. One night I heard one man say, "Well, let's call up New York and offer them a quarter of a cent." Great heavens! Imagine paying the cost of calling up New York, nearly five million people, late at night and offering them a quarter of a cent! And yet--did New York get mad? No, they took it. Of course it's high finance. I don't pretend to understand it. I tried after that to call up Chicago and offer it a cent and a half, and to call up Hamilton, Ontario, and offer it half a dollar, and the operator only thought I was crazy. All this shows, of course, that I've been studying how the millionaires do it. I have. For years. I thought it might be helpful to young men just beginning to work and anxious to stop. You know, many a man realizes late in life that if when he was a boy he had known what he knows now, instead of being what he is he might be what he won't; but how few boys stop to think that if they knew what they don't know instead of being what they will be, they wouldn't be? These are awful thoughts. At any rate, I've been gathering hints on how it is they do it. One thing I'm sure about. If a young man wants to make a million dollars he's got to be mighty careful about his diet and his living. This may seem hard. But success is only achieved with pains. There is no use in a young man who hopes to make a million dollars thinking he's entitled to get up at 7.30, eat force and poached eggs, drink cold water at lunch, and go to bed at 10 p.m. You can't do it. I've seen too many millionaires for that. If you want to be a millionaire you mustn't get up till ten in the morning. They never do. They daren't. It would be as much as their business is worth if they were seen on the street at half-past nine. And the old idea of abstemiousness is all wrong. To be a millionaire you need champagne, lots of it and all the time. That and Scotch whisky and soda: you have to sit up nearly all night and drink buckets of it. This is what clears the brain for business next day. I've seen some of these men with their brains so clear in the morning, that their faces look positively boiled. To live like this requires, of course, resolution. But you can buy that by the pint. Therefore, my dear young man, if you want to get moved on from your present status in business, change your life. When your landlady brings your bacon and eggs for breakfast, throw them out of window to the dog and tell her to bring you some chilled asparagus and a pint of Moselle. Then telephone to your employer that you'll be down about eleven o'clock. You will get moved on. Yes, very quickly. Just how the millionaires make the money is a difficult question. But one way is this. Strike the town with five cents in your pocket. They nearly all do this; they've told me again and again (men with millions and millions) that the first time they struck town they had only five cents. That seems to have given them their start. Of course, it's not easy to do. I've tried it several times. I nearly did it once. I borrowed five cents, carried it away out of town, and then turned and came back at the town with an awful rush. If I hadn't struck a beer saloon in the suburbs and spent the five cents I might have been rich to-day. Another good plan is to start something. Something on a huge scale: something nobody ever thought of. For instance, one man I know told me that once he was down in Mexico without a cent (he'd lost his five in striking Central America) and he noticed that they had no power plants. So he started some and made a mint of money. Another man that I know was once stranded in New York, absolutely without a nickel. Well, it occurred to him that what was needed were buildings ten stories higher than any that had been put up. So he built two and sold them right away. Ever so many millionaires begin in some such simple way as that. There is, of course, a much easier way than any of these. I almost hate to tell this, because I want to do it myself. I learned of it just by chance one night at the club. There is one old man there, extremely rich, with one of the best faces of the lot, just like a hyena. I never used to know how he had got so rich. So one evening I asked one of the millionaires how old Bloggs had made all his money. "How he made it?" he answered with a sneer. "Why he made it by taking it out of widows and orphans." Widows and orphans! I thought, what an excellent idea. But who would have suspected that they had it? "And how," I asked pretty cautiously, "did he go at it to get it out of them?" "Why," the man answered, "he just ground them under his heels, that was how." Now isn't that simple? I've thought of that conversation often since and I mean to try it. If I can get hold of them, I'll grind them quick enough. But how to get them. Most of the widows I know look pretty solid for that sort of thing, and as for orphans, it must take an awful lot of them. Meantime I am waiting, and if I ever get a large bunch of orphans all together, I'll stamp on them and see. I find, too, on inquiry, that you can also grind it out of clergymen. They say they grind nicely. But perhaps orphans are easier. published 1914 Stephen Leacock Canadian humorist If true, this is the funniest story I’ve ever heard about mail-in ballots.
“Daphne Lee, a Republican from Las Vegas, stated that her family’s mail-in ballots were tallied for the primary despite none of them voting, as reported by the Las Vegas Review-Journal. “Lee also mentioned encountering difficulties when attempting to opt out of receiving future mail-in ballots, as the system indicated she was not registered and had no voting history.” https://americandigest.com/swing-state-voting-problems-revealed-over-mail-in-ballots/?utm_source=AU&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=AU3&utm_content=AU3 Trump Must Pay Half a Billion Dollars Before He Can Appeal New York Decision https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2024/02/19/trump-must-pay-half-a-billion-dollars-before-he-can-appeal-new-york-decision/ courtesy of The Morning Call Wikipedia:
expletive-expletive expletive
Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down? We do, we do Who leaves Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps? We do, we do Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star? We do, we do Who robs cave-fish of their sight Who rigs every Oscar night? We do, we do! Co-written by John Swartzwelder, writer for SNL and The simpsons and of detective novels, he is described as a libertarian conservative, gun-rights advocate, and recluse. Others like labeling. It is a very fine way of pushing someone off a cliff. We Do (The Stonecutters’ Song) lyrics © Tcf Music Publishing Inc 1997 A Google Trends map for the week of Valentine's Day reveals the truth about ID, MN, NE, and OR. They like throwing axes. Ever thrown one? Well, have you?
I just received my 2024 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained a monthly benefit increase of two cents, a Biden “Build Back Better” bumper sticker, a prayer rug, a Kamala Speech Decoder Ring, a solar powered machine to blow smoke in my mouth, a coupon for a free oil change on my Tesla, and a “Blame it on Trump” sign for my front yard. The instructions were in Chinese. Yours should arrive soon. ring courtesy of Mickey and Cheryl Gill, AbeBooks The 65-year-0ld freak of the EC, Leyen at the WEF, is so far behind the rest of us. "So, basically, they're admitting that their top priority is to prevent us from fact-checking and making memes." -female YT commenter … but Ursula got a good hairdresser. Another YT commenter (male) said, "You know, the world would be exponentially improved if the WEF was removed and replaced with a series of smoking craters." Well, you can't convince folks that the only place you might need a mask is AT a crater, or folks who ask, "Is Love Island on tonight?" Wikipedia still thinks the New World Order is a conspiracy theory. When it spews fire like a dragon, it is a dragon. Thanks to Pixabay and Sharon Ang of Singapore for the photo. Check out sharonang photography. Mini Me of Goldmember has grown old. He proposes a vision where AI predicts electoral outcomes and ends voting. The Blaze/The Wall Street Journal
Li Qiang, Premier, People's Republic of China; Jake Sullivan, USA National Security Advisor; Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Ukrainian president; Javier Milei, Argentinian president; Ursula von der Leyen, EC president. Colluders and one independent, Milei. Reason Francis and Biden are absent: one is infirmitas and the other is infirm. All destined immediately for the Comedy Category, the only one most fit. Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that’s it...Don’t waste time on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it’s like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that means they take water out of fruity bit, so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottoms up. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can’t think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...very good! Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How can getting more vegetable be bad? Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around. Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! ‘Round’ is also a shape! The Japanese doctor summed up. Well...hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be journey to grave with intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but to skid in sideways, beer in one hand, chocolate in the other—body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, “WOO-HOO, what a ride my life was!” Eat whatever you like because you still DIE. Don’t let allow motivational speakers deceive you. 1. World bodybuilding champion die at 41. 2. Inventor of treadmill die at 54. 3. Inventor of gymnastics die at 57. 4. Best footballer in the world Maradona die at 60. BUT 5. Inventor of Nutella brand die at 88. 6. KFC inventor die at 94. 7. Hennessey Cognac inventor die at 98. 8. Cigarette maker Winston die at 102. (Opium inventor die at 116 in earthquake.) How did doctors come to conclusion that exercise prolong life? The rabbit is always jumping up and down, but it lives for only 2 years, and turtle that doesn’t exercise at all lives 400 years. So, take rest, chill, eat, drink. Sayonara. P.S. Lord said, “Be fruitful and multiply.” |
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