Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Herald-Citizen in Cookeville, TN, and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellas, I have some bad news. The mule died last night.” Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then, just give us our money back.” The farmer said, “Sorry, can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” They said, “OK, then, just bring us the dead mule.” The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?” Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.” The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!” Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody ee’s dead!” A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the IGA grocery store and asked, “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?” They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.” Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two bucks apiece and made a profit of $1,998.00 bucks.” The farmer said, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?” Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset cause the mule was dead. So, we gave him his two bucks back.” Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They’re overseeing the Vote Count, Bailout, and Stimulus Programs.
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Treasury Secretary Yellen ate magic mushrooms on a recent trip to China. She was testing them. She had hoped to import and distribute the shrooms to major American supermarket chains and make a magical bundle of money. They had no effect. The golden scheme has ended, and glittering generalities have ended, too. Biden issued her a yellow blankie.
It’s time again for the annual Stella Awards.
For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald’s in New Mexico. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So, keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella’s for this year. SEVENTH PLACE Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. Considering the running toddler was her own son, the store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict. Start scratching! SIXTH PLACE Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps. Scratch some more... FIFTH PLACE Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned, and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more. Double hand scratching after this one. FOURTH PLACE Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle, even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot. THIRD PLACE Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, won this spot because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Miss Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Only two more, so ease up on the scratching. SECOND PLACE Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies’ room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure. Ok. Here we go! FIRST PLACE This year’s runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. She had purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed, and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000, plus a new motor home. Winnebago changed their manuals because of this lawsuit just in case Mrs. Grazinski had any relatives who might also buy a motor home. If you think the American court system is out of control, be sure to pass this on! The federal building in San Francisco is the Nancy Pelosi Federal Building. Hahaha. “In light of the conditions at the building we recommend employees … maximize the use of telework for the foreseeable future,” said Cheryl Campbell, the Health and Human Services (HHS) assistant secretary for administration in a memo on August 4th. Adjacent crime is sending them home and keeping them there. Hahahahahaha. https://amgreatness.com/2023/08/15/government-employees-told-to-work-from-home-due-to-crime-crisis-near-nancy-pelosi-federal-building/?utm_medium=email&utm_source=act_eng&seyid=83028
comedy category Here is a list of things AI can do: ChatGPT plugins; Meetings bookings AI; Conversation intelligence AI; Audience suggestion AI; Writing assistant AI; Personalization AI; Reply handling AI; Sequence generating AI. I could use all of them except Meetings bookings AI. I talk to me, but I don’t meet me. My blog is a solo act.
net worth Clintons $120 million; Obamas $70 million
https://www.celebritynetworth.com/richest-politicians/democrats/joe-biden-net-worth/ For flapper women, increasingly liberated during the Roaring ‘20s, an engagement ring was a “handcuff,” a wedding ring was a “manacle,” and “out on parole” referred to being divorced. Ironically, today it is Catholic men who will get a kick out of that and Catholic women who of them will be thinking, “Cads.”
Two scientists walked into a bar.
The first one said, “I'll have H2O please.” The second one said, “I'll have H2O, too, please.” The second one died. The second one died because H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. In large amounts it is lethal. If you add one extra atom to water, you change the molecule completely. Those are the many perils of your language and mine. Porters Lake, Nova Scotia, Canada. In this town, and that is unique, and not the other, there are three intersecting streets named This Street, That Street, and The Other Street.
Okay, let's attack this through word association.
demigod - Greek classical figure demitasse - little cup, drink demimonde - maybe half-world? demigender - okay, stumped People who identify somewhere between agender and having a gender, are, well, I am told there will be kitty litter in the bathrooms for those who claim to be cats. An American does not need a travel visa to enter Vatican City, but a passport is required. Let’s all Latin Mass goers hire Spider-Man to assist us surmount the walls and infiltrate the halls. Bring mini cameras hidden underarm or in gloved fingertips.
One of the funniest strings I have ever read was today on Reddit.
I mean, aren’t they all owned by Unilever or P&G or someone anyway? Everything is owned by Monsanto, Which is owned by Nestle, Which is owned by the Catholic Church, Which is owned by the starting offensive line of the 1989 Packers, Which is owned by a super-intelligent shade of the colour blue, Which is owned by a can of Pringles, Which is owned by the Spanish Inquisition, NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! I come in peace. Take me to your king. Who is the hair gel king? Hints - he has very white teeth and lives in Sacramento County, CA. What would happen if you swallowed one gram of hydrogen fluoride? It dissolves your tongue but anesthetizes it, too, so you won’t feel anything.
Meanwhile, back in California, while the state collapses into anarchy and Kaiser is sued for giving a 13-year-old a double mastectomy, the state legislature is hell-bent to do more.
AB 1432 “would require all California insurance policies to cover ‘abortion, abortion-related services,’ and ‘gender-affirming care,’ including sterilizing cross-sex hormones and puberty blockers for minors. AB 571 “would increase the number of doctors who can offer abortion and gender-affirming care in California by ensuring that providers in the state can obtain professional liability insurance without facing discrimination based on their provision of these services.” https://www.californiafamily.org/2023/06/ca-doctors-get-sued-for-giving-a-13-year-old-a-double-mastectomy/?mc_cid=f098b7417a&mc_eid=64bf5de992 If you click on AB 571, you will see the list of supporters, which includes groups from outside California. How does one categorize lunacy? Comedy. Mockingly called “the Lockdown Queen”, she is part of a new federal concoction: Department of Homeland Security Academic Council. She and others will give advice on campus safety. For her three visits to Ukraine, she earned the moniker, Double Agent, a label pasted to her forehead by Fox’s Kennedy, who quickly banished her to the classroom closet, i.e., Zoom in a Room. Origin of moniker: corruption of monarch, magnified by a ballooning ego.
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra? Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? How is it possible to have a civil war? Is, “You have the right to remain silent,” what police arresting a mute say? Warning: Do not look up another word for synonym. One Tequila, two Tequila, three Tequila...floor. photo courtesy of Davide Fiore on Quora It’s a sphere made of silicon crystal and weighs one kilogram, 2.2 pounds, rounded. It is the most perfectly round object ever constructed. The perfect roundness is achieved because the atoms in this sphere can be precisely counted.
In a single sweep, BleachBit can clear caches, delete cookies, clear your internet history, shred temporary files, delete logs, and toss out junk files. What famous person used BleachBit? Hillary Clinton is looking a little bleach-bitten lately. Today I saw the name of a commentator, Ameshia Cross. I misread it as Amnesia Cross. I read a statistic that young Americans get most of their news from TikTok and trust TikTok influencers/celebrities the most. It’s a sure bet more BleachBit could be sold to us by China.
Eyewitness News at 6
Explosive, developing news. Location: urban high school SCIF. Subject: secretly recorded and recently released phone call between 15-year-old student and 40-year-old teacher. Transcript: names redacted. Student: Is Biden too old to be president? Teacher: No. He’s just too old to be on camera. Student: So’s my dad. He just turned 40. Teacher: You haven’t told him you changed your name from Stephen to Tracy? Student: No. You took me out to lunch on Saturday and told me not to. Teacher: Good. We don’t want him to know. Student: What if he finds out? Teacher: Lie. Lie. Lie. “After brainstorming with my staff, I’m going to push Congress to make it illegal to joke, laugh, or make fun of me. Parody should be illegal,” said the socialist fashion diva. The dipsy diva did respond to the parody! “I am assessing with my team how to move forward. In the meantime, be careful of what you see.”
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